Archive for January, 2007

When everyone around you is in their own little world it helps to paint a picture

I found painting a very therapeutic way to escape from the jumble of noise and images in my head. Not to mention the noise of the hospital. I love drawing even though my teacher at school told me never to draw. So forget her.

I especially enjoy using pastels but whatever you use, drawing is a very cathartic experience. So I took pictures of all the drawings I had up on my wall during my last hospital admission. I hope you enjoy them. They show my state in mind in acute mania and they are quite… bizarre!

Please click on the image below for my photo album slideshow:

MaNiC art attack

Where is the quack?

PLEASE CLICK THE IMAGE!

You can also click here for the pictures as an album. Also see here.

-Kim

Published in: Thoughts | on January 21st, 2007 | 1 Comment »

1. Weekend rebellion

(Age 16)

The bells rang triggering the tap of the first domino of our regulated and structured day. I sprang out of bed with all the enthusiasm of a baby taking its first steps. Life was good. Good fun! As we herded across the dining room to get our first batch of fuel, to set us on our regimented day, I was unaware of the turn my spoonfed lifestyle was about to take.

Blissful and lively I joked with my friends, making them all giggle with my new and well practiced Woody Woodpecker laugh.

Everyone was in good spirits. Today was the day we got to join the outside world for the weekend. It was an exeat weekend, one of two each term where we got to go home, where we got to pretend we were like all the other children who saw their parents everyday.

My parents had made the choice to work abroad as the prospects of work seemed better. This made me part of a small group of children in each year whose parents lived abroad while they studied in the uk. We were not like the elite and select children whose wealthy parents had become accustomed to sending generation after generation to top boarding schools. Breeding grounds for the middle and upper classes.

There was a reason we boarded, or at least so we thought. For our parents were not living in the U.K at this time. We were the overseas borders, children confined to established schools to achieve and walk away with a solid education whilst their parents were… well… whilst their parents were elsewhere working.

Today was an especially exciting day. Never the completely obedient child, I had devised a plan to stay with one my good friends who had left to go to a mixed sixth form college at the end of the fifth year. Stuck in an all girls boarding school, the allure of relations with girls and boys was exciting. Our catholic convent style existence did not see mixing with the opposite sex as anything but an unhealthy distraction, to be put off until the very latest moment. In our cases, at the age of 18, when we were armed with qualifications and good breeding.

For the most though, the transition was far from simple, for the single sex establishments. the bricks of that taboo wall seemed to stretch higher and stand stronger. Talking to a member of the opposite sex was a very big deal. Loitering around the multiplex was not an option and whiffs of their reality came few and far between. We were indeed cocooned. Cast away on an island of traditional ethics, defined and moulded by the tried and tested formulas.

Today was different though. I was going to live a different kind of reality, albeit for a mere 48 hours. But 48 hrs of difference generated a sense of inspiration that weeks of regularity could not capture. Already packed and train journeys planned the tedium of the day’s lessons ahead was a hurdle that I hoped would pass quickly. And so it was. One class after another began and ended at the pace of a tortoise chasing its hare. But eventually at 4.30pm the bells chimed for the last time and class was out.

The plan was immaculate. Everyone had been briefed to where I was going to be. But no one knew that my friend’s parents were out of town. We had the flat in London for the whole weekend with no adult voice of concern. Genius.

As I boarded the train to London, Paddington, with the openness of a young child I swiftly entered into conversation with a girl of similar age sitting next to me. It was as if I was a magnet of spontaneity and I listened patiently as the girl wandered in and out of her life, detailing snippets of information whilst sporadically sipping from her Sunny Delight. Indeed she was garrulous, a word I had learnt earlier in the week in English Literature but now thanks to her chitter-chatter was experiencing with full intensity.

The journey passed quickly and we bid farewell like two old mates biding our time on the train towards our adventures.

I had arranged to meet my good friend, Laura, at Camden Town station, where she lived and was the setting for our weekend. I had been to Camden Town many times before and loved the swarm of individuals that wondered up and down the streets. A haven for the alternative, it was a far cry from the structured school life I had come to know. Laura was one of the few friends whose parents had allowed to attend mixed schools in the sixth form. Everything about her life seemed cool and free, I longed to taste her reality which had been labelled forbidden.

I had stayed with Laura many times before, but this was the first time we were blessed with a lack of parental concern. In true fashion, to begin the weekend, Laura arrived with a nose piercing. It looked kind of scabby but the defiance against society was secured.

Published in: My Story | on January 14th, 2007 | No Comments »

Medication time

WARNING
to the morning,
I am dawning.

My name’s Kim,
and I vote green.
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Purple hat,
Looks like a cat.
You obnoxious
Little brat.
Prat!

It’s bloody serious,
I wanna be delirious.

I try to shout,
They call me a lout,
Then knock me out,

Without a doubt.

(c) Kimberley Light 1989

Published in: Poems | on January 14th, 2007 | 1 Comment »

Medication time. Pass the joint!

I was diagnosed with bipolar at the tender age of sixteen and since then have been put on the best part of the whole medicine trolley. Starting off with carbamazapine, six years of lithium, and most recently lamotrigine with a sprinkling of numerous anti psychotics, and during the worst peroids of hospilizations the lethal depot injections. To put it mildly I could quite easily quizz the medical students on medication to help them with their exams.

However like most manic depressives I could not stand to take the medication leaving me on the bitter cycle of stopping and starting, relapsing and an nine month unsuccessful period of no medication. It is indeed hard to come to terms with a mental illness lable especially with the taboo and prejudice surrounding it never mind the harsh reality of having to take medication for the rest of your life.

The truth for me was the most productive stable and happiest time of my life coincided with a span of six years on lithium, 1200 mgs relapse free. I was so well that I felt certain that I could live my life without it, believing that I had illegal drug induced bipolar. However, after a three year nightmare of stubborn denial I had to come to terms with the fact that I had severe heridatary bipolar.

Two of three people have at least one close relative with bipolar making the genetic factor quite strong. Incidentally, substance abuse to bring one out of depression or pull one out of mania is also common in bipolar clouding the diagnosis further and is known as self-medicating. Some manic depressives will sware by marijuana as a helpful substance to mellow out and take the edge of a manic high but it is also commonly known to cause psychosis.

Personally, substance abuse played a large part in triggering my predisposition to bipolar and having learnt my lesson the hard way i have stopped smoking the green weed or taking any drugs. At the age of thirty three I have had six hospilizations lasting three months at a time, mostly triggered by a combination of stopping medication and in turn self medicating with illegal drugs.

I’ve seriously fought medication but now I realize I’ve got to take it, dammit!

-Kim

Published in: Thoughts | on January 13th, 2007 | 1 Comment »

Escape from labotomy

Once upon a thyme there was a girl called Leila
Leila was very paranoid and scared
The hare the tortoise and the shell
Everyone wished her better and well
But wondered how to get her out of this hell

Mayhem, mischief and scorned behaviour
Caused her husband to call her a liar
But what he surely did not know
That she was scared and could not show
Emotions that had long time dwell
Which in the beginning made this cell

An awful affair she secret kept
Which eventually led to a humongous debt
She kept her head low and tried not to show
The trick and envy of a mother wrapped in string and bow
Although she accepted all the gifts
She was still very scared of being trapped in lifts

But to make the peace she had to accept the lease
That binded her to a bond she had forgot to keep
Poor Leila became ill and created such a shock
That she forgot to look at the clock

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

The walls closing in did not release her from her fear
Not even a kerchief could wipe the non-existent tear

FEAR DESIRE ANGER

She could not resist and slowly she began to feel like a hit and miss
She longed for the embrace of her husbands kiss
But could not understand why he was so territorial with his land
She knew she had upset the leonine pride
And regretted the stories and the made up lies
If only he could understand she found it hard to break the ties
That had bonded her to a cord that was umbilical
This pickle she had shaved was way to close
To a lobotomy, E.C.T, e.t.c.

(c) Kimberley Light 2006

Published in: Poems | on January 10th, 2007 | 1 Comment »

Light at the end of the tunnel

Hi!

My name is Kimberley Light and I would like to take you on a journey of my reccuring descent in and out of the personal hell they call bipolar.

Spanning from 1989 to the present day I have had the most extraordinary journey, years of stable mental health and productivity which have been massacred by bouts of bipolar episodes both depresssive and manic.

Manic depression can be described as a state of mind which is beyond your control, it is like a destructive typhoon that attacks your life destroying it on all levels so again and again one has to brush off the debris and piece together ones life. The older you get the harder it becomes to muster up the strengh and positive mental attitude to beat the carnage of the wreckage an episode thrusts upon you.

I hope in sharing my story,creative thoughts, artwork and poetry I can in some way help or ease the pain of this illness which is suprisingly more common than we think. Mental illness affects us all at some stage in our life wheather it be grieving for the loss of a loved one or a stress induced sleepless nights. The stigma that is attached must be broken down through education and I hope my honesty on the subject can enlighten and break down some of the negative connotations.

Above all I hope this cathartic journey can bring some peace, light , love, harmony and laughter to both myself and those who wish to share.

Love,

Kimberley x

Published in: Thoughts | on January 10th, 2007 | No Comments »